MUMBAI – Friday, millions of men around the world were becoming increasingly antsy as Poonam Pandey’s promise to bare all has yet to be fulfilled.
After boldly but ambiguously asserting that she “could probably strip, somewhere, I guess,” if India won the ICC Cricket World Cup, the 19-year old model has now unwittingly become the poster girl for both female empowerment, and somewhat strangely, also for the sexual blackmail of men.
Last Saturday, the World Cup final between India and Sri Lanka saw some of the highest viewing figures ever recorded, with nearly a billion people tuning in to watch India complete a six-wicket victory. This figure included millions of non-fans tuned in for a match that they would otherwise be ambivalent about.
David Wilkins, 21, from Ohio, USA, said: “I have never even heard of cricket before. But as soon as I heard that there would be a girl stripping, all ideas of my routine Saturday morning masturbation session went out the window.” Wilkins admitted to postponing his weekend ritual in favour of finding a fuzzy stream, occasionally asking his Pakistani roommate “Is that her?” whenever cameras panned to the balconies and focused on Bollywood beauties such as Preity Zinta.
“Now, it’s a week later, and still, nothing! I hear that girls are notoriously difficult to get warmed up, but if this is the case, I’m happy to keep playing the devil’s clarinet.”
Poonam Pandey, another argument for Anti-Cocktease legislation.
Despite asserting that she would only be stripping in private, exclusively in front of India’s 15-man World Cup squad, men across the world inferred Ms Pandey’s half-pledge as an infinitely valid promise that she would perform a personal lapdance for every man who felt like it.
Sociologist Bill Dickins saw Pandey’s exploits as a perfect example of how easy it is for a woman to trick a man into thinking about sex, for her own personal gain. “This is eerily reminiscent of how [sex-crazed alien] Natasha Henstridge’s title character in Species [1995] was able to seduce, then eviscerate her male victims, who were more interested in the immediate prospect of ejaculating than any potential consequences of a chance sexual encounter with a stranger,” said Dickins, as he failed in his attempt to subtly rearrange his testicles.
“This is a reminder to all men: if a woman says that she’ll have sex with you if do the dishes, it is almost certainly a malicious ploy to psychologically destroy you.”
At time of press, over a billion men were ‘saving up’ for what many hoped would be a particularly memorable 2-5 minutes of pleasure, and many are growing increasingly frustrated with Ms Pandey’s failure to go through with her promise. Teenage boys and the unemployed have been the hardest-hit by the lack of stripping, although most politicians, Sreesanth and Lalit Modi have experienced record-high productivity in the past week.
In some quarters, cynical conspiracy theorists are slowly spreading myths that Ms Pandey’s proposed display of national pride may be a publicity stunt, taking advantage of a high-profile match.
“There are lots of holes in Pandey’s story. Logistically, would she strip in front of 15 grown men, all in one room? What happens next? First, I guess you probably have Yuvraj [Singh] and Virat Kohli trying to hide their boners,” said Gautam Kalani, who assures us that he knows who shot JFK. “Next, I guess Sachin is trying to sheepishly look away, while Sreesanth is furiously wanking as many times as he possibly can.”
Pandey’s intentions are being called into question by many, and more and more hard-done by men are speaking out against her lack of stripping. Protests have spread as far as Kolkata, with chants of “PANDEY! SHOW US YOUR POONAM!” echoing around the city.
Internationally, there has also been an impact, with hundreds of people shouting “Get your tits out for the lads!” on the streets of Newcastle, England, although it is unknown whether these chants have been directed specifically at Pandey, or just at passers-by on the way to the JobSeekers centre.
In addition, there have been reports of minor injuries, with teenagers across the world spontaneously collapsing. “They just can’t hold it in any longer, the poor bastards,” said a male paramedic, who wished to remain nameless, and whose mind was constantly drifting towards what Poonam Pandey’s breasts might look like.
At time of press, Ms Pandey was unavailable for interview, although she did make a brief statement. “Sorry guys, I’ve been really busy. It’s been my time of the month. I’ve been washing my hair. My parents are at home. Maybe if you buy me dinner? DO NOT PUSH ME!!!”
Pandey’s statement was the last straw for most teenagers, with many opting to get their German soldier marching as soon as they heard the disappointing news.
In related news, tissue companies are anticipating bumper Q2 profits “for when everybody gives up hope, and the inevitable big clean-up happens.”
Laundromats were also bracing themselves for a record intake of curiously stained socks.
follow us on twitter for alternative stress relief.
like us on facebook and perve at our status updates
written by the editor