JOHANNESBURG – Sunday, an extremely repentant but thoroughly satisfied Graeme Smith faced the South African media, finally apologising for choosing to enjoy pre-marital intercourse with his fiancee, instead of returning home post-World Cup to be humiliated by a fickle public.
“I cannot express how sorry I am,” said Graeme Smith, visibly relieved. “I was extremely emotional, not to mention horny like a rhino in heat.”
Smith, 30, was vilified for flying to Ireland in order to propose to his girlfriend, the Irish singer/actress Morgan Deane, when a baying South African public had openly demanded that as captain, he return home to face a barrage of criticism, rotten eggs, as well as the obligatory Truth & Reconciliation Commission.
“You try sharing a room with AB [de Villiers] for so long – he lectured me on the evils of masturbation any time I went under the covers with an FHM,” added Smith. “Or as AB calls it, ‘riding the devil’s rollercoaster.'”
Having been bound in stocks at the press conference, Smith also accepted blame for South Africa’s years of Apartheid and frequent internet outages, as well as expressing remorse for any role he has played in global warming.
“Once again, I’m really sorry,” said Smith. “Going off to have crazy animal sex with my hot girlfriend was totally unbecoming of a national leader – I should have been doing it with a CSA press secretary – or better yet, a hotel maid.”
