MOHALI – In anticipation of Wednesday’s landmark semi-final between India and Pakistan, two local fans strategized on how to appear on TV during the game.
Speaking exclusively to Alternative Cricket, Rahul Sharma, 23, explained his masterplan to get on TV: “There will be 40,000 of us inside the stadium, and there are only about seven hours to fit everybody in the crowd on TV. First, the cameramen will go for the hot chicks with face paint, then the guy in full India body paint, then they’ll pan to the balconies where Shilpa Shetty is trying to avoid sitting on Lalit Modi’s lap.”
Sharma’s companion for the day will be lifelong friend Gaurav Bhose, 24: “We had this banner specially made for the big match – it’s strategically perfect,” unfurling a vast cloth banner with ‘GIVE PEASE A CHANCE” [sic] scrawled across it.
“OK, I know what you’re thinking – we spelled it wrong, but TV producers love the idea that innocent, illiterate villagers are going to their first ever cricket match and attempting to say something profound,” explained Bhose. “As if! I’ve got a season ticket lined up for the King’s XI this year.”
Sharma, a marketing professional from Bengaluru, added: “We were tempted to go for the more subversive ‘Give peas a chance’, but thought against it at the last minute.”
After asking the two what would make them stand out from the rest of the crowd, Sharma explained his masterstroke. “I’m going dressed as a Pakistan supporter, and Gaurav is going dressed as an Indian fan. I just bought this bootleg Pakistan shirt from that guy over there,” said Sharma, pointing towards an elderly shirt wallah, who gleefully returned a wave. “Seeing an Indian and Pakistan supporter holding hands in quasi-homoerotic fashion, with a banner extolling the virtues of peace…that’s pretty much our slot sewn up.”
“However, as you can see, to absolutely guarantee we get some airtime, we’ve stitched a Sony logo into the corner of our flag,” said a confident Bhose.
“So what, if our banner is so big that the people behind us can’t see [the match]? I’m not going to miss the opportunity of a lifetime,” said Sharma. “Besides, nobody told those guys to sit behind us.”
The topic of discussion soon moved onto policing, and both fans urged local authorities to use restraint when policing the crowd on the day.
“Politicians, the media, and Ravi Shastri are all saying how this match will unify two countries,” said Sharma. ” But how can we expect peace on the outskirts of our own country – and maybe part of another, I’m not really sure, in fairness – if our own police are indiscriminately charging us with their lathis [canes]?”
Outside the stadium, Bhose continued to regale anecdotes of police brutality and corruption, but ushered himself away after being towered over by a 5’8″ tall officer, who was chewing tobacco and ominously tapping a lathi rhythmically on the palm of his hand.
inspired by @gkhamba
by the editor
like us on facebook and join our throng of VVS fans
follow us on twitter or be forced to listen to tapes of Ramiz Raja teaching Amir Sohail English.
either way, you’re screwed if you don’t.